hey there

so i guess we might as well get to it! my name is Nikki, I am 17 years old and I am recovering from an eating disorder. I don't talk about it too much but it is time for me to stop hiding and start living. my therapist, for the sake of blogging we'll call her Shae, suggested I start a blog. So here I am. I will post stuff about what its like to live with an eating disorder and hopefully you can relate or this will help you understand. 

I've always been insecure about the way I look. First off, my parents chose to put me in figure skating (quite possibly one of the most aesthetically demanding sports). I have been lucky enough to skate from the moment I was four years old because in my eating disorder journey, skating has been a therapeutic relief in many times of darkness. It has also probably been a huge trigger along the way but I've learned to deal with it. So from the time I was four I was being placed in front of a mirror, being wrapped in measuring tapes and weighed to see if I would be fit to be thrown in the air for a partner. It wasn't ideal, but they did not know when I was young that by the time I turned 11 I would be running to the bathroom after meals to purge. 

The first time: the first time I ever did an "Ed" behaviour was my very first restriction. I was 11, and I was called fat by some immature boys in my class as a way to merely get under my skin. I did not know at the time that I was in fact tiny for my age, coming from a very short family and having the little athletic build I did from so much time on the ice at such a young age. So I figured they wouldn't lie to me, and that I needed to be thin. and so i restricted for the rest of that day.

That day led to the next six years of my life up until today of meal restrictions, binging, laxatives, self harming, purging, daily weigh ins, My Fitness Pal becoming my best friend, my hair falling out in clumps, losing my period, and eventually rock bottom. Rock bottom occurred when I was 14, and I passed out in our school hallway. That was when my teacher knew it was time for intervention, and I entered the REDP (my town's eating disorder program).  I have been there ever since.

So that's basically a little intro but my goal is to blog about my life now, I'll get into more fun facts later. Thanks for reading! :)